Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize