If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
my poor anus
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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