My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
