im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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