I'm really into asian looking animals
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
