Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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