we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
