Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
