I think I am morally bankrupt
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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