btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
