Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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