Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
