Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
