that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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