were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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