Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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