I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
