I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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