I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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