You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
