mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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