Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
