so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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