I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
