Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
