the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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