I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
