I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
