Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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