I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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