My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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