shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
