Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
