i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
time to smoke my breakfast
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
