What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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