she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
