I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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