I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
