I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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