You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
