And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
