Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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