burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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