If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
