party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
