; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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