My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
