I feel like I'm in dance class right now
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
