I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
