If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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