So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
