it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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