A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize