I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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