Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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