I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
