I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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