mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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