I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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