Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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