the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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