I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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